Tag: depression

Thoughts on Vax, depression, and suicidal impulses. Spoilers for episode 44 of Vox Machina’s campaign

TW: Candid discussion of depression and suicidal thoughts

So here’s what gets me about that resurrection ritual. As far as I can tell, it was in no way necessary for Vax to offer his life in exchange for his sisters. Matt wanted a ritual with three successes. Zahra’s moonstone was considered to be a sufficient success. Sam/Scanlan went to offer something, but bowed to Liam/Vax for story, which made sense.

Vax doesn’t offer a magic item, he doesn’t think of a way to exchange his strength, or to work with his friends. He immediately offers his life. He doesn’t blink, he doesn’t flinch, he doesn’t hesitate. 

Here’s what hurts me so deeply about that. Depression takes a lot of different forms, I think most of us know that. In my own experience, it doesn’t have to be – and is quite rarely – a burning need to seek out disaster every minute. Instead, more often, it’s a pervasive, powerful numbness about everything. You can easily be pushed into wanting to die, but you exist in a state where your life just…doesn’t mean much. You may not be actively seeking ways to hurt yourself, but you also wouldn’t avoid being hurt if the opportunity presented itself. You wouldn’t try hard to stop yourself from getting killed, because your life just…doesn’t mean much

a healthy person in a good place, presented with that choice? you assess your options. you see what’s worked already. you ask for help from your friends. Zahra’s first thought is to offer her moonstone, not her life, which is a far greater sacrifice. I doubt that Scanlan was going to offer his life. Vax didn’t actually need to offer his. 

But that’s where his mind went to first. That’s the first thing he did. Vax isn’t necessarily actively trying to kill himself, but he also isn’t even trying to stay alive. he doesn’t try to think of other options. he doesn’t consider offering anything else. he doesn’t even hesitate. 

that’s the way i think he’s suicidal. his life just isn’t important. and yeah, of course, his sister’s life is huge. of course you’d offer anything. but Zahra’s moonstone was a sufficient offering and he doesn’t even consider that fact. he doesn’t hesitate. 

and this is where that counts. Because the other problem with this kind of depression? it’s dangerous. it’s a slow killer, like infection or cold. it weakens you and it weakens your resolve. but it does kill you, and this kind of depression takes millions of lives not through great drama, or because of one horrible argument. it does because the person suffering sees a car coming and they don’t feel the need to jump out of the way. it comes because the person who is self harming is aware of how dangerous their problem is getting but it just doesn’t matter. it happens because someone gets sick but they don’t see any reason to get better. 

that’s my depression. that’s the depression that scares me, and that’s the depression that makes me angry. that’s the depression that breaks my heart, because in so many ways it’s so much more real than what hollywood can normally manage. i’m not saying more fervent, violent kinds of depression don’t exist – they absolutely do, there are dozens of different ways this illness can manifest and i am categorically not an expert. but this is the way i’ve seen it and felt it and that’s part of why it hits so hard

vax didn’t have to die, or sign away his life, or give up his soul, or whatever the hell he just did. but he’s sick, and he’s sad, and he chooses to do so anyway

depression tips™

so-sorry-mom:

iride9scent:

astrologynshit:

rage-quitter:

  • shower. not a bath, a shower. use water as hot or cold as u like. u dont even need to wash. just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. sit on the floor if you gotta.
  • moisturize everything. use whatever lotion u like. unscented? dollar store lotion? fancy ass 48 hour lotion that makes u smell like a field of wildflowers? use whatever you want, and use it all over. 
  • put on clean, comfortable clothes. 
  • put on ur favorite underwear. cute black lacy panties? those ridiculous boxers u bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on the butt? put em on.
  • drink cold water. use ice. if u want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost.
  • clean something. doesn’t have to be anything big. organize one drawer of ur desk. wash five dirty dishes. do a load of laundry. scrub the bathroom sink. 
  • blast music. listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.
  • make food. don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. take the time and make food. even if it’s ramen. add something special to it, like a hard boiled egg or some veggies. prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something. 
  • make something. write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. even if you don’t think you’re good at it.
  • go outside. take a walk. sit in the grass. look at the clouds. smell flowers. put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.
  • call someone. call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. talk to a stranger on the street. have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. if you can’t, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. even if you don’t say much, listen to them.
  • cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. take pictures of them. talk to them. tell them how u feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out.

Reblog as much as you can

Absolutely helpful. I think I’ve done three or four of these things today, makes you feel better.

I do a lot of these things to cope, very helpful post.