heads up, this post is tmi and contains explicit reference to abuse. i’m posting it here because i can’t say it anywhere else, but that doesn’t mean you have to read it. please stay safe.

i’m going to write this because i spent 20 years not being able to tell anyone, and i still feel like i never said anything, and never got out, and now i’m expected to just get over it and forget about it and sometimes i feel like i’m suffocating with it and i feel like someone took part of my voice away and i feel like i’ve got things tying up my thoughts and blocking out parts of my brain SO fuck that

here’s a list of things that i’m pretty sure happened to me growing up. (pretty sure because i remember them, but my parents have often told me i’m crazy, so hey. take that as you will.)

– hiding under the bed up until i was 16 to stay away from my parents. i learned to hide where the dresser was so they wouldn’t see me underneath

– trying to hold my bedroom shut whilst they tried to push it open, more times than i can count

– ran away, mostly between 12 and 15, more times than i can count

– dragged into and out of cars by my hair, normally getting hit before/after, often (over a dozen times at least)

– pushed over and onto the floor, more times than i can count

– various things thrown at me, though not normally things that would break: boxes and books and wooden stuff, not glass or china

– head slammed into walls/bedposts/ etc

– slapped so many times in a row i’d get dizzy

– lifted up off the floor by being grabbed by my arms hard enough to leave bruises, shaken

– generally just smacked whenever/wherever possible – thighs, arms, head etc

– grabbed by the front of my shirt/hair/shoved into things

– threatened with being killed, threatened with being ‘beaten within an inch of your life’ in private and in public places. told everyone i would ever meet would want to punch me eventually. cruising for a bruising, meant pretty literally

– locked out of the house. left on the side of the road in hong kong, derbyshire, italy, france. 

– told to lie to family and friends about why i was upset after a fight

– twice, locked myself in rooms only for my parents to try and break through the doors with hammers. in both cases, on realising i couldn’t get out, got so scared i let them in

– threatened to burn all my stuff, threw my stuff in the bin, etc

– broke my school violin bow over my thigh and another against the wall, told to lie about it

– shouted at until i cried so much i threw up, made to clear it up, twice at least

– threatened with a knife

– threw a box of laundry powder at me, pushed onto a concrete floor, told my brother in a different city to call the police because of ‘what was going to happen’

– told not to flinch: pushed, slapped, knocked over if i did

– general shouting, screaming etc. swearing, calling me names, insisting i hated them and didn’t love them actively schemed to make their lives worse

– locked in rooms on holidays etc, told to stay quiet and do nothing until they came back, not told when they would, often waited for hours

– bumped by mum’s car on purpose when i tried to get in, left to wait outside the school, told if i wasn’t there they’d leave me there, waited for 4 and a half hours

i’m still not sure if i’m just being a dumb middle class white girl complaining about something that’s normal for most people, honestly. but it was father’s day and all this fucking todoroki stuff in bnha is stressing me out and i’m trying to write a fic to get rid of those feelings and i think it’s just making me feel worse and i can’t talk to anyone about it so

i’m writing it here. yeah. anyway it’s all fine now